A Good Friend: Green and Red Flags in Friendships
The AMAZE Penguins are back again for the third chapter of their exciting trilogy. Their first song was all about understanding yourself. The second was all about being yourself. This time, they’re looking at how to be a good friend. [AMZ-192]
Youth
As young people become teenagers, it’s normal for some friendships to deepen, and others to peter out. It’s okay to choose which friendships to invest your time in based on how the friend treats you.
But it’s not all on them! You should also look at your own actions with friends, and make sure you are treating them how you want to be treated. There’s a common saying that goes, “you have to be a friend to have a friend.” It just means you can’t expect people to be there for you if you’re unwilling to be there for them.
What are some things you should be doing to be a good friend to others? These are sometimes called “green flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some green flags in friendships include:
- Open, honest communication of thoughts, feelings and values without fearing judgement
- Making time for you when asked – birthday parties, coming to shows or big games, listening when you’re sad.
- Showing up in your time of need – volunteering to help, giving gifts or being silly to cheer you up.
- Listening when you talk and remembering what you’ve told them.
- Keeping their promises
- They apologize if they hurt you (all friendships have these moments!)
- Agreeing to disagree, or finding compromises when disagreements occur. Within a healthy relationship, conflict is not only normal – it’s inevitable. Knowing how to communicate about these disagreements and showing respect and support for each other’s feelings, thoughts, and values is what makes a relationship strong.
What are some things you should avoid doing to someone if you want to be a good friend? These are sometimes called “red flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some red flags in friendships include:
- Signs of jealousy, being overly possessive, or constantly checking in on where you are and who you’re with
- Badmouthing you behind your back – telling you one thing about how they feel and telling other people something else
- Inability to keep promises, whether that’s showing up on time or saying they will do something for you and then not following through
- Always talking about themselves and their problems, but never asking about you.
- In an unhealthy relationship, disagreements may be met with silence, or one person may try to pressure, bully or belittle the other into agreement.
One option if a friendship has some red flags is to bring it up and talk it out. All friendships go through hard times, and if the friendship is important to you, then it is worth trying to discuss disagreements and hurt feelings. But sometimes discussions don’t lead to changes. In that case, it’s also okay to choose to invest your time in friendships that have green flags and walk away from friendships filled with red flags.
FAQs
In every relationship, there are good times and challenging times. But in a toxic relationship, the bad times outweigh the good ones, and it can feel really draining and unpleasant. It’s important to pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel. How do you feel when you’re about to hang out with this friend? Does an upcoming hangout consistently bring sadness, anger, or anxiety instead of joy and excitement? Did you try to talk it out and the discussion went nowhere? All of these are signs it might be time to end the relationship.
Friendships, just like people, come in many different shapes and sizes and can change over time. Sometimes a friendship changes because one person moves away, develops new interests or hobbies or maybe even because of a traumatic event. In a healthy friendship, both people should be able to support each other and talk about how they’re feeling. So if you’re not feeling like your friendship is healthy anymore, even though it can be difficult to stop being close to a good friend, it can help to talk about your feelings with that friend or a trusted adult.
This can be a really difficult and sometimes painful situation! Whether you’re the one who wants to continue the friendship or the one who wants to end a friendship, it can be hard to talk about these things without hurting another person or feeling hurt yourself. One important part of a healthy friendship is feeling like you’re both equals. So if one person is much more interested in the friendship than the other, it’s going to be difficult to have a healthy friendship. Talking with a trusted adult about these situations—how they make you feel and what to do about them—can be helpful.
A friend is someone who cares about and wants to support you. So if there’s something you want to talk about with your friend, keep in mind that your friend wants what’s best for you, even if talking about it is hard. To start the discussion, you can tell your friend that there is something you want to talk about. Find some quiet time to talk. It can help to practice what you want to say by yourself, either by writing it down or talking aloud. It can also help to talk with trusted adults who can share valuable experience or advice to help you through the situation. The bottom line is that healthy friendships include showing respect for each other and supporting each other, even though you may not always agree.
Parents
As young people become teenagers, it’s normal for some friendships to deepen, and others to peter out. Parents and families can help young people learn this by being aware of friendship green flags and red flags, and pointing out that behavior to their child, whether it’s someone else exhibiting a red/green flag or their own child (i.e. “I know you’d rather play videogames, but you promised her you would be there tomorrow. A good friend would keep that promise.”)
What are some things your child should be doing to be a good friend to others? These are sometimes called “green flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some green flags in friendships include:
- Open, honest communication of thoughts, feelings and values without fearing judgement
- Making time for you when asked – birthday parties, coming to shows or big games, listening when you’re sad.
- Showing up in your time of need – volunteering to help, giving gifts or being silly to cheer you up.
- Listening when you talk and remembering what you’ve told them.
- Keeping their promises
- They apologize if they hurt you (all friendships have these moments!)
- Agreeing to disagree, or finding compromises when disagreements occur. Within a healthy relationship, conflict is not only normal – it’s inevitable. Knowing how to communicate about these disagreements and showing respect and support for each other’s feelings, thoughts, and values is what makes a relationship strong.
What are some things your child should avoid doing to someone if they want to be a good friend? These are sometimes called “red flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some red flags in friendships include:
- Signs of jealousy, being overly possessive, or constantly checking in on where you are and who you’re with
- Badmouthing you behind your back – telling you one thing about how they feel and telling other people something else
- Inability to keep promises, whether that’s showing up on time or saying they will do something for you and then not following through
- Always talking about themselves and their problems, but never asking about you.
- In an unhealthy relationship, disagreements may be met with silence, or one person may try to pressure, bully or belittle the other into agreement.
One option if a friendship has some red flags is to bring it up and talk it out. All friendships go through hard times, and if the friendship is important to your child, then you can play a role in encouraging them to initiate a discussion with their friend where both parties get a chance to share how they’re feeling and discuss disagreements and hurt feelings. You can offer to facilitate this discussion (so long as you’re aware that many parents have a subconscious bias in favor of their own child), but you may also want to take this opportunity to let your child try to do it on their own. Addressing conflict in any relationship is inevitable in life, and this could be a great learning moment for them.
Sometimes discussions don’t lead to changes. In that case, you may want to point out to your child that it’s okay choose to invest your time in friendships that have green flags and walk away from friendships filled with red flags. Often, providing an example of a time you did this in your life is really helpful for young people to hear from their parents.
Conversation Starters
You can use the following conversation starters to speak with your child about friendships:
Asking open-ended questions like “What do you like about them?” is a great way to begin a conversation about friends you think are healthy for your child (as well as unhealthy if you think your child doesn’t see it yet). You can also ask more focused questions like “What do they do for you and what do you do for them?” to get your child to say out loud some friendship green flags. Be sure to emphasize that friendships go both ways. Consider the common saying, “you have to be a friend to have a friend,” and discuss its meaning with your child.
Have you noticed any of your friendships change over the past few years?
It can be sad if a good friend becomes interested in new things and spends time with a new group of people. If that happened to someone you know, what advice would you give them?
Educators
As young people become teenagers, it’s normal for some friendships to deepen, and others to peter out. Educators can help young people learn this by being aware of friendship green flags and red flags, and pointing out that behavior when they see it in books, stories, or other school material. They can also call out good friendship behavior when they see it in students.
What are some things someone should be doing to be a good friend to others? These are sometimes called “green flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some green flags in friendships include:
- Open, honest communication of thoughts, feelings and values without fearing judgement
- Making time for you when asked – birthday parties, coming to shows or big games, listening when you’re sad.
- Showing up in your time of need – volunteering to help, giving gifts or being silly to cheer you up.
- Listening when you talk and remembering what you’ve told them.
- Keeping their promises
- They apologize if they hurt you (all friendships have these moments!)
- Agreeing to disagree, or finding compromises when disagreements occur. Within a healthy relationship, conflict is not only normal – it’s inevitable. Knowing how to communicate about these disagreements and showing respect and support for each other’s feelings, thoughts, and values is what makes a relationship strong.
What are some things yong people should avoid doing to someone if they want to be a good friend? These are sometimes called “red flags,” and there are many more than the list below. But some red flags in friendships include:
- Signs of jealousy, being overly possessive, or constantly checking in on where you are and who you’re with
- Badmouthing you behind your back – telling you one thing about how they feel and telling other people something else
- Inability to keep promises, whether that’s showing up on time or saying they will do something for you and then not following through
- Always talking about themselves and their problems, but never asking about you.
- In an unhealthy relationship, disagreements may be met with silence, or one person may try to pressure, bully or belittle the other into agreement.
One option if a friendship has some red flags is to bring it up and talk it out. All friendships go through hard times, and as an educator you may be able to play a unique role in encouraging students to initiate a discussion with their friend where both parties get a chance to share how they’re feeling and discuss disagreements and hurt feelings. You can offer to facilitate this discussion in a neutral way, but you may also want to take this opportunity to let a student try to do it on their own. Addressing conflict in any relationship is inevitable in life, and this could be a great learning moment for them.
Sometimes discussions don’t lead to changes. In that case, you may want to point out to students that it’s okay choose to invest your time in friendships that have green flags and walk away from friendships filled with red flags. Often, providing an example of a time someone did this in a book, movie, or other school material is really helpful for young people to hear.
National Sex Education Standards
Describe characteristics of a friend
Describe the characteristics of healthy versus unhealthy relationships among friends and with family members
Compare and contrast the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships
Identify healthy ways for friends to express feelings, both physically and verbally
Demonstrate communication skills that will support healthy relationships
International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education
Discussion Questions
- What were some of the red flag behaviors in the first/second/third scene? How did they remedy it after the rewind? (AMAZE recommends tackling each scene one at a time, and identifying the red flags first and the green flags second)
- Did anyone do anything wrong in Bryce and Jason’s friendship, or did they just grow apart?
- What are some friendship red flags not shown in the video? What are some friendship green flags not shown in the video?
- Are these red and green flags the same in romantic relationships? What similarities are there and what differences might there be?