Condom Negotiation

Abstinence, or choosing to not have or delay having sex, is the most effective way to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancy. As people grow up, they may decide to have sex with a partner who cares for and respects them. If people choose to have sex, using condoms and birth control (if neccessary) every time they have sex is the best way to prevent an unplanned pregnancy and reduce the risk of STIs, including HIV.

Condoms are the most commonly used form of birth control and STI prevention (besides abstinence). Condoms are a great way to protect yourself no matter your sexual orientation, the gender of the person you’re in a relationship with, or what type(s) of sexual behavior you’re thinking about sharing together.

There are two types of condoms: an external condom fits over an erect penis, and an internal condom goes inside of a vagina or anus. Both types of condoms create a barrier that prevents the exchange of body fluids like semen (which includes sperm and is sometimes called cum) and vaginal fluid. This barrier helps reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy. External condoms are available at drug stores or grocery stores without a prescription. In many places, external condoms are available for free, like at health clinics. A person can buy or receive free external condoms no matter their age. In some places, internal condoms require a prescription from a medical provider; a trusted adult can help you make an appointment at a clinic or with a doctor.

If you’ve made the important decision to use condoms when you engage in sexual behaviors, its important to talk to your partner about this decision. Talking to your partner, in an open and honest way, can help you build trust in your relationship. Have your conversations about condom use before you begin sexual activity, when you’re in the moment and feeling excited or nervous it can be hard to pause and have a serious talk. This will make it easier to discuss any questions or concerns you and your partner might have. It also feels good to know that in the moment, you and your partner have made a decision together and can trust each other to make sure you stay responsible, and confident in that choice. Some people even practice putting a condom on their fingers or in their body before engaging in sexual activity, so they better understand how it’s done.
Negotiation means coming to an agreement with someone about an important decision. We negotiate lots of things in our life, for example what movie to see, what to eat at a restaurant, or where to go on a date. Condom negotiation is similar to other negotiations we make in life and is a necessary part of sexual consent.
The first step to negotiating condoms is to be confident in your decision and be able to tell your partner that you want to use condoms every time you engage in sexual behaviors. It is important that you be direct, you may say something like ‘I want to use condoms and would like to talk to you about what this means for us’. Next, clearly explain what behaviors are ok for you and what is not, for example ‘I want us to use condoms every single time we have sex (be specific about oral, vaginal, anal), and learn how to use them correctly together’. Then tell your partner why this is important to you.
You can share any knowledge you have about STIs and pregnancy prevention (if it’s relevant), how to use condoms, and how well condoms work. If you don’t know a lot, this is a great time to do some research together; you can visit a clinic, search some reliable websites, or ask a trusted adult, like a parent, teacher, counselor, or nurse.
Once you have shared your thoughts and boundaries, ask your partner how they think and feel about condom use. Make sure to listen respectfully, give them a chance to ask questions, and do research together if needed. Although it is important to listen respectfully to your partner’s feelings, do not give up your right to protect yourself from STIs and pregnancy or any other reason you wish to use condoms.
Next, make a plan to get condoms together: who will pay for them, who will get them and where, what kind will you get, where will you keep them, etc. In many countries, like the US, young people have the right to purchase condoms from any store, without a parent or guardian permission, sometimes you can even get them for free at a health clinic or community center-do an internet search to find where they are available in your community. Whatever type of sex you are going to have, there is a condom that will work for you.
Once you have negotiated all the details, make an agreement with your partner to keep each other confident in your decision, and check-in with each other if you have more questions, or want to make changes in your plan. If after all your negotiations, your partner still refuses to use a condom, be prepared to say NO to sexual behavior. Stay firm and confident in your choice to use condoms. If your partner tries to convince you that using condoms is not a good idea or says that they won’t like how it feels, remind them that engaging in sexual activity comes with a responsibility to protect your health.
If your partner is worried about how a condom might feel, let them know that condoms come in all sorts of sizes and styles, they can find one that works with their body-you can even do this part together! If your partner continues to pressure you, this is a red flag of an unhealthy relationship, condom negotiation is part of consent for sexual activity, and your partner should respect your right to protect your health. Seek the support of a trusted adult if you are afraid your partner may have a negative or dangerous reaction.